Drawer One: Taking the Role of the Passenger

Beep Beep Beep Beep goes my alarm. "Its 7:45, nooooo!!", I thought to myself.

My eyes flashed open and my heart beat fast to the rhythm of the vibration of the cellphone alarm.

As I lied in my bed for another couple of minutes with the alarm still buzzing off, I thought to myself, "What did I do yesterday and why do I feel so empty inside ?” After some minutes of contemplation, I groggily turned over to turn off the obnoxious reminder that it was in fact 7:45 in the morning and it was time for me to wake up and prepare for my Winter class yet another day.

I typed my password into my phone and went straight to the Bible Application. Up popped the verse of the day, Mark 8:34,35:

   
"Then calling the crowd to join his disciples, he said, "If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross and follow me. If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake and for the sake of the Good News, you will save it." NTL

Yesterday afternoon, my boyfriend and I broke up. If you have ever been in a relationship before and you all are no longer together, you may understand what I am experiencing right now; a whole lot of confusion, mixed with sadness, and a basket full of unanswered questions. Today as I was in class, all I could think about was ,Why God? Why God, in the sense of, why was he not the one for me and why in the world did You tell me end it? Everything in my eyes was great!

Let me tell you a little about my ex-boyfriend. Sounds kind of strange me saying that now, mehh, but lets begin. In my eyes, he was everything. He was smart, kind, respectful and pretty much had it going on. I thought for SURREEEE he was the man of my dreams. However, even in the beginning of our relationship, I felt this almost nagging feeling or a better way to put it, I felt this pit in my stomach and it would not go away , no matter how much I tried. I did my best to get rid of this feeling for a couple of months, but the feeling did not cease. Instead the feeling magnified.

I won’t bore you with the gruesome details, maybe in another post, however long story short I knew that, that feeling I was experiencing was from the Holy Spirit telling me to break off the relationship.

How many of you all have ever bargained with God? What I mean by that is that you are like, Ok God, if you do this ____, then I’ll do this___. Well yeah, I have been playing this little game with God since my ex-boyfriend and I got together. As I prayed, I told God, God, if you don’t want me to be with him, then show me today , or tomorrow, or next week in some way and make it blatant. So God, probably laughing at me because He knew my intentions were not so pure, gave me more signs than I could possibly image. However, I chose to ignore them because I made myself believe they were all coincidental. HOW IGNORANT! I so badly wanted to be with him and I wanted God to agree with me SO BADLY! However, I knew He did not.

In the Message version of Mark 8:34-37, it reads,

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"Calling the crowd to join his disciples, he said, “Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You’re not in the driver’s seat; I am. Don’t run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me and I’ll show you how. Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to saving yourself, your true self. What good would it do to get everything you want and lose you, the real you? What could you ever trade your soul for?”

After reading that, I still have the same reaction that I had when I first read it. WOWWW! So you mean to tell me, if I want Jesus in my life and claim to want to follow His will, I have to let Him lead? Lead in every situation? Including my romance life? Romance/Dating, being one of the most important and scariest portions of my life, your telling me that I  need to let You lead and that I am in the passenger’s seat just along for the ride? UGHHHHHHH! That’s how I feel, still. UHHHHHHHGGGGGGGG!

I love it when it says in the NTL version , "you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross and follow me." This one sentence alone made my stomach sink early this morning at 7:45am. I knew exactly, well at least part of the reason why I had to break up with my boyfriend. I needed to turn away from my selfish ways and ambitions because my eyes were not focused on Jesus! Jesus was telling me, (my personal translation)  “Yooo wake up! I am trying to save you from yourself and your own selfish desires! Give up your life to me and you will gain it all!”

I would be lying to you all if I said I was really happy about the breakup and that I am feeling great. This is farrrrrrr from the truth. I am still hurt and I may be feeling this way for awhile. Am I disappointed? YOU BET!!! However, despite my feelings and selfish ways, I would rather let Jesus lead and guide me in my love life. Why? Well because He has already prepared the way for me and knows exactly what I need and when I need it. TIMING IS EVERYTHING (Girllluhh that’s another blog post in and of itself lol) but really and truly I believe that. I believe that God knew from the start that I WAS NOT suppose to be with him and wanted to save me from all of the heartache that I am experiencing right now, hence Him sending the Holy Spirit to keep pricking and prodding at my heart day after day.

So what does this mean for me and you? This means that we should take a step back and analyze with God what has happened and what you gleaned from this experience. Do I regret being with him? Absolutely not! I learned so much , however was me being with him apart of God’s plan for me? I like to think it was not, but God always works everything for my good, even in my mess (Romans 8:28). That being said, I have taken time to ask God for His forgiveness in disobeying Him, when I knew clearly it was God telling me to not be with him. Cry for a little bit (it's very ok to cry, let it out girl!) but get up in the morning and start a new day with God! This is a glorious life that God has given you so don’t spend to much time sulking (preaching to myself at this very moment lol).

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Psalm 30:5 “Weeping may last for the night, But a shout of joy comes in the morning.”

So pick your head up princess, your tiara is slipping a little. You are a princess of the King and He loves you dearly, so don’t give up on Him. He adores YOU!!!! Trust Him with your life. Trust that He has the perfect man for you, just wait and be patient. And let me reemphasize, WAITTTTT for God to bring HIM to you . In the meantime, I am letting go the reigns of my love life and taking the role of the passenger. Care to join me?

Besos,

Kay Godd <3